I do not mean to sound pretentious, but as of late I have been feeling as such. Well, as a not-so-dear literary friend of mine has said, I am a poser. 

This rather strange and subtly obtrusive thought occurred to me a few weeks ago, while browsing Pinterest before bed. While what I wrote above is much more concise than the four days’ worth of diary entries about it, it carries the same meaning: I am not what I want to be.

I do heartily agree to the term “fake it until you make it” however it comes to a time where it must die. You either are or you aren’t, or maybe you are actually working towards it instead of pretending you are. What I want in life has been feeling like a great game of pretending lately. Ah, yes- the handmade life. I desperately want it, yet I kid myself that I am actually working towards it, my plans are merely plans and not any action.

The reality of my situation here is that I desperately dream of a handmade life, one where I am mindful and honest, and blessedly handcrafted by me. The life of a girl living in a country cottage, complete with pet goat and purple bedroom. The life of a girl wearing the clothing and accessories she has made with hooks and needles. The life of a girl who keeps bees and gardens, bakes bread by day and writes by night. The downfall to this dream is that I do not have it, it is merely a dream. I am a college student working in a grocery store by day, diary writer by night. I am a girl in a purple bedroom, messy and unkempt, books and crafts flying in every which direction in the morning as I dig for what I need. I hope you get the picture.

When I stopped blogging regularly last year, I lost perspective of my goals. They reduced themselves to dreams, like the ones I just shared with you. Things I saw when I closed my eyes over tea (or sometimes coffee) and felt when I ran my hand through the grass. They were not tangible things I could work towards any more, but cloudlike dreams, up high in the sky where I could not grab them and make them my reality.

Since I began blogging again earlier this month, I was confronted with my dilemma all over again. Strangely, my dreams crept closer to me, coming to me in the middle of class- suddenly I was transported to a garden, buzzing alive with bees from my hive, lilacs edging my garden. Crochet and knitting projects came out of the bag and into my hands. I got the shivers when walking in JoAnne’s one day. I read books that drew out a longing in me for that life I had merely dreamed about, a desire that screamed you can do this!

Now- back to that day, those diary entries. I created a set of goals that I could manage, a few things that I thought would give me some direction. As they were personal, diary-only goals, I mean to make 4 right now, right here that will apply just as much meaning and importance as the ones I made a few weeks ago.

  1. Crochet or knit something beautiful for myself, and only myself, using quality materials and utmost care.
  2. Blog every day, no matter what time of day it is.
  3. Finally make that rag quilt I have the fabric for. (Yes, the fabric that is in my closet.)
  4. Bake bread once a week, figure out the perfect recipe for in my bread machine.

These goals will expire on April 1, 2014. On that day, I will revisit these goals in a blog post, and make four more. These goals are intended to give me direction in my everyday life. To be a little closer to my dreams, to make them reality.

Until tomorrow,