I do not mean to sound pretentious, but as of late I have been feeling as such. Well, as a not-so-dear literary friend of mine has said, I am a poser.
This rather strange and subtly obtrusive thought occurred to me a few weeks ago, while browsing Pinterest before bed. While what I wrote above is much more concise than the four days’ worth of diary entries about it, it carries the same meaning: I am not what I want to be.
I do heartily agree to the term “fake it until you make it” however it comes to a time where it must die. You either are or you aren’t, or maybe you are actually working towards it instead of pretending you are. What I want in life has been feeling like a great game of pretending lately. Ah, yes- the handmade life. I desperately want it, yet I kid myself that I am actually working towards it, my plans are merely plans and not any action.
The reality of my situation here is that I desperately dream of a handmade life, one where I am mindful and honest, and blessedly handcrafted by me. The life of a girl living in a country cottage, complete with pet goat and purple bedroom. The life of a girl wearing the clothing and accessories she has made with hooks and needles. The life of a girl who keeps bees and gardens, bakes bread by day and writes by night. The downfall to this dream is that I do not have it, it is merely a dream. I am a college student working in a grocery store by day, diary writer by night. I am a girl in a purple bedroom, messy and unkempt, books and crafts flying in every which direction in the morning as I dig for what I need. I hope you get the picture.
When I stopped blogging regularly last year, I lost perspective of my goals. They reduced themselves to dreams, like the ones I just shared with you. Things I saw when I closed my eyes over tea (or sometimes coffee) and felt when I ran my hand through the grass. They were not tangible things I could work towards any more, but cloudlike dreams, up high in the sky where I could not grab them and make them my reality.
Since I began blogging again earlier this month, I was confronted with my dilemma all over again. Strangely, my dreams crept closer to me, coming to me in the middle of class- suddenly I was transported to a garden, buzzing alive with bees from my hive, lilacs edging my garden. Crochet and knitting projects came out of the bag and into my hands. I got the shivers when walking in JoAnne’s one day. I read books that drew out a longing in me for that life I had merely dreamed about, a desire that screamed you can do this!
Now- back to that day, those diary entries. I created a set of goals that I could manage, a few things that I thought would give me some direction. As they were personal, diary-only goals, I mean to make 4 right now, right here that will apply just as much meaning and importance as the ones I made a few weeks ago.
- Crochet or knit something beautiful for myself, and only myself, using quality materials and utmost care.
- Blog every day, no matter what time of day it is.
- Finally make that rag quilt I have the fabric for. (Yes, the fabric that is in my closet.)
- Bake bread once a week, figure out the perfect recipe for in my bread machine.
These goals will expire on April 1, 2014. On that day, I will revisit these goals in a blog post, and make four more. These goals are intended to give me direction in my everyday life. To be a little closer to my dreams, to make them reality.