(Photo via: weheartit)
As I have written this blog, my life has changed drastically. I have changed the direction of this blog a couple of times, and I have the feeling that this last change will be cemented in.
When Speckles died earlier this week, something inside of me clicked. I suddenly stopped caring about what other people thought and I wanted to take action. Of course my first action was screaming “JESUS mother of fucks!” and started bawling at the top of my lungs. I didn’t care if I scared half the town into thinking I was raped, I was angry/sad/frustrated/upset all in one and I wanted people to know.
So I’ve been a bit more sassy this past week. Yep, I’ve gotten in trouble for it, and yep I shut up for a little. But now I’m not stuffing my emotions away to cry about before I go to bed. If someone is making me angry, I’m telling them “I’m upset right now, so I’m going to take a fiver to calm down and I’ll be right back with you.”
That’s not the only thing. I’m making headway in something I’ve never really talked about- my self-worth/self-love. It’s a little bit of a tipsy subject to talk about in the real life, so I normally just think things over in my head. I have the pattern of thinking I’m butt-ugly and I’ll never have a boyfriend, etc.
Just the other day I’ve come to realize that the kind of guy I like are really scarce around here. (lumberjack/farm boy/outspoken/a-little-nerdy/run-away-to-Tioga-county sort of guy) I’m a little different myself. I’m tall, brown-haired, brown-eyed, slightly-double-chinned and a growing dimple in my nose (genetic dimple, not a fat dimple) kind of person. I make bad jokes and laugh at inappropriate times. I’m shy and I like country music. Not exactly the kind of girl a guy wants to date in these parts.
I’ve also come to realize that I’m quite a looker. Yep, I’m a little tubby and naturally barrel shaped, but who gives half a flying rat’s butt? I’m working on getting some killer arms (or at least not as flabby) and my ankles are pretty good looking. My eyes are cute and that bump on my nose has character. (Okay, okay, a dimple and a bump on my nose. Goes with the dimple in the chin, too.) Normal puberty acne and I’m makeup-less. My eyebrows are full of expression and I blush really fast. I like me.
I’ve created a new vision for myself. Instead of being super-skinny and having a boyfriend, I want to be healthy and happy. Instead of being stuck in a blogging rut, I want to write about what makes me happy. If feeling happy includes a new string of beads, so be it! If being happy means taking the perfect photograph, so be it! If being happy means I’m me and nobody else, so be it!
My favorite teacher once told me that I am a powerful person. (Okay, tootin’ my own horn right now, but it’s important!) He told me that I am different from the rest of my classmates because I’m determined to do something about something and no matter what, when I set my heart on it, I really work hard for it. He told me that I have the best chance of being happy in my entire school. I’ll make happy happen even if the world is falling apart, I’ll dig out my little place of happy and I’ll be happy.
Even if I’m ditsy (in the good way) and I fall down with no reason at all (and I do) I’ll stand out from the crowd because I want to be happy, not to be rich, not anything else, I just want to be happy.
SO that is why everything is changing around here. The ball is rolling now. I’m shaking off that moss and growing up. Putting my hands on my hips and saying “World, be ready!”