I guess you could say that there was a time Before. A time Before has always existed, and will continue to exist. That time Before is an important part of my life, a part that which will continue to lie in wait, always ready to leap up at me. In summation, there was a time Before in which I was a completely different person; a sad person, an angry person. A person existing in the realm of teenagerhood apathy that had extorted itself to live on an even grander scale, a McMansion of angst and hatred and pretty much everything life had to offer in terms of disappointments. Of course, I could be greatly exaggerating. However, this is how I remember the time Before, and will continue to believe how it was.
But right now, on this lovely fall September night, where in between typing I am taking bites of a pumpkin souffle pie-thing that I baked myself, I am listening to the music of the outside and the jumbled jargon of my two-year-old sister. Simply, I am at a kitchen table with a rather delicious pie-cake crossing making sure my sister doesn’t kill the cat or fall out a window.
This is my life, and I love it.
Even when I whine and complain, I will always love my life. I am a poor college student working thirty hours a week and going to school full-time and constantly stressed and/or anxious, yet I love it. I am a girl with a goat on a hill and bees at her grandfather’s house, a wannabe baker with a bread machine, a student, a knitter, a daughter, a friend, a sister, a writer.
It’s hard to believe there was a time in which I wanted to not exist anymore. It surprises people when I tell them this, when I divulge one of my very few secrets that continues to exist to this day, they usually have a look of revulsion. Yes, I was one of those people. And yes, I didn’t do it. I couldn’t, and while many say those who don’t never had the guts- there are many of us that survived in secret, crying at night and telling their bus drivers that they think they will never grow up.
It’s hard to believe I am a college student now. Years ago, when I wrote my first blog post, I was pretty much a kid. (I still am a kid, by the way. A kid trying to pretend she can grow up.) It’s hard to believe I’ve held out this long. I did end up seeing the second Star Trek movie. God, right now, thinking about that wish… I made it. I actually, factually, made it.
And I suppose, that to pretty much everyone reading this post right now, it’s hard to believe it, too. Many of my loved ones read these posts, many of which know little about the inner workings of myself, and it is safe to say that even the girl writing these words knows little about herself. Some days it’s a damn gamble but seemingly, I nearly always come out of it with a couple lucky sevens and a full house.
This space, this small, tiny part of the blogosphere, will always continue to exist. It is not a part of the time Before. It is a part of the Now. I will write more, I promise- but believe me, I will be here this time on Wednesday.
But, please promise me this- you will be here too.